Dark Souls: A Poem

I don’t really know how to review Dark Souls. As a reviewer, I accept defeat. My opinions on the game are a mystery, even to me. I will never, ever finish it, so I’m not sure if I even should review it.

One thing that struck me when reading about it online was how vicious the fight was between those who adore the challenge and those who simply can’t comprehend why it would ever be fun to play a game this difficult. I completely agree with both groups at the same time, though I don’t necessarily agree with the way they choose to discuss it with each other.

These oddly personal and deeply bitter online diatribes were simply too entertaining to ignore, so in lieu of a review here is a ‘found poem’ about Dark Souls, sourced from the comments of angry gamers posting on GameFAQs, YouTube, Reddit, x360a, and preparetodie.com.



Dark Souls is a test that only few can pass.
Those who do go on to be skilled elite gamers,
Those do don’t are doomed to be mediocre gamers.
Not fact, just your opinion. I bet your opinion is wrong.

And another elitist comes out the woodworks. Along with the rest in tow, of course.
The game lacks basic controls that have been around since the Atari.
Have fun dying and talking about how cool it is,
I’m off to do things that are actually fun.

Am i suppose to go into the demon area and fight this effing huge eternal discharge thing?

You do not have the patience, skill, or discipline to enjoy this game.
Gaming today has hand fed a lot of people, and it really isn’t their fault.
It’s just how society shifted it.
I recommend you go and play something easier.

Anyone could sit there dying over and over again and eventually succeed.
That doesn’t make you smart,
It just makes you a dumb ass.
WTF, are people Blind? You cant tell a horrible game when you see one?

I joined the chaos covenant accidentally killing the egg servant of hers in the process. So my head turned into eggs.

Hopefully the secret achievements seperate
the men from the boys.
You forget a lot of these kids are growing up in a world,
Where games are now built for entertainment.
Get super smash bros for your wii and leave the glory to the rest of us

There’s bunch things about this game that makes it, i don;t know, stupid ?
why do i loosing expierience ?
And How to beat these bitches ?
What next, where’s the map ?

Not sure if serious…
I don’t think Dark Souls is for you, buddy.

Fuck the Blowdart Snipers. Fuck those things to the Sun.

It is so hilarious to see all of these people pretend they are hardcore for putting up with this
You are so much more willing to beat
your heads agains the wall
good god that is so hardcore.
I’m in awe.

They did NOT make this game for your kind.
Go back to fps.
What part of that do you fail to understand?
This game is sweet. It sucks that you are unable to enjoy it.
sorry to break it to you bro, but you do suck.




, ,



13 responses to “Dark Souls: A Poem”

  1. ShaunCG Avatar

    As always, we here at AR strive to engage with current gaming news and events in the way we feel is most fitting. For Dark Souls, we thought the responses of the gaming community to this divisive game really did speak for themselves. Thanks Dylan for assembling this beautiful piece of free verse.

    So my head turned into eggs.

    1. badgercommander Avatar

      I compiled a conversation between me and Dylan on Badger commander and the back and forth is very similar only not as poignant

      1. ShaunCG Avatar

        Aye, I re-read that over lunch, despite having been in on the original thread.

  2. @BaronVonSavage Avatar

    Aw sweet. I will probably never get Dark Souls, but this makes me feel that much closer to the experience..

    1. badgercommander Avatar

      Well to use the verse:

      sorry to break it to you bro, but you do suck.

      I kid of course.

      Dark Souls is everything I have wanted since they stopped making Ghouls n Ghosts games.

      1. guillaumeodinduval Avatar

        I can definitely say I'm interested now that I saw the game LIVE at last, thanks to you. Somehow reminded me a lot of Virtual Hydlide for the Sega Saturn.

        I wish I wasn't so distracted by other games at the moment, I'd be all over Dark Soul. Probably as much as I am right now in my Hard playthrough of Guardian Heroes HD. Which brings me to the 'dying a lot' part of the topic: trying to figure out how to NOT die ever on Hard is one hell of a game of its own.

        For once I must say that, had I not known of this through an achievement, I would probably not have thought of trying to play the game in such a way. It's the first time an achievement brought me extra noteworthy replay-value to a game! Though I guess this could be explained through the fact that I DID play it to death back in the Saturn days…

        I can't imagine the achievements of Dark Soul… as if the game wasn't source of rage as it is; defeating a dragon ''with a rusty spoon and while wearing no armour'' or whatever they could come up with probably will cause many to just DROP the game altogether! Or not even pick it up in the first place, ya know, knowing they'd never get 100% achievements/trophies on it, they'll just ''pass'' and prey on the Avatar: TLA-types of games ;p

        1. badgercommander Avatar

          When you drew that comparison last night I almost punched you but then you went on to justify yourself and I totally get what you mean. I played a lot of the Megadrive version of Hydlide and loved it I got so excited about the Saturn version… It did not go well.

          Guillaume, you read the piece we did on achievements? That mention of Guardian Heroes is an example of acheivements done right. As for Dark Souls there are some secret achievements, nothing evil, except for this one:

          The Dark Soul (50)All achievements completed. Congratulations!

          That is just a dick thing to do.

  3. guillaumeodinduval Avatar

    I even looked up some screenshots of Virtual Hydlide and felt tempted to ask you to take a couple screenshots from where you were yesterday, except maybe with a more ''metal/aluminum foil'' type of armour and a non-rosted-demon-dragon-tail sword… maybe with a guy character too just to try and make ''copy-paste'' comparison of the two. I swear the two games look and seem to feel sooo alike, we HAVE to do this! I could even go at my friend's place and dust out his copy of Virtual Hydlide if it comes down to it.

    If we wanna push it further, maybe even take some gameplay footage of the two fighting the same way, with the same gear, against the same type of enemies, around the same areas and then go die at a stupidly hard boss-thing that (probably)* also happen to exist in Virtual Hydlide.
    *I never… actually fought a boss in there, I just lost myself. All the time.

    But yes! I have read that piece on achievements, and probably commented on it too. It did cross my mind as I was typing about Guardian Heroes HD: that it was an achievement done right, at last.

    So Dark Soul has an achievement for having acquired all other achievements? Not bad for a congratulation, still. Could have been worse!


  4. BeamSplashX Avatar

    Suffering makes great art, and considering that you had to go to both YouTube comments AND the GameFAQs message boards propels this into the stratosphere of artistic achievement, to live forever with the likes of the Sistine Chapel ceiling and the screenplay for MindJack.

    1. guillaumeodinduval Avatar

      Hmmmm… DarkMindJackSouls…. sorry, got distracted.

  5. Simon_Walker Avatar

    "You forget a lot of these kids are growing up in a world,
    Where games are now built for entertainment."

    This line is brilliant. I can hardly comprehend the amount of fucked-upness required to produce it.

    1. BeamSplashX Avatar

      I was convinced that games are now built to turn me into an environmental terrorist.

      I just peeked at GameFAQs for info regarding Ninja Gaiden III, and saw a hilarious topic about its director promising to show "the man behind the mask." To which more than a few people responded "We've already seen Hayate without a mask- that director is an idiot and I am smarter than him. I want Tomonobu 'I Have Digital Giant-Breasted Daughters' Itagaki back!"

      And by hilarious, I mean I lose faith in humanity when I see GameFAQs' message boards.

      1. badgercommander Avatar

        Gamefaqs is one of my favourite sources of entertainment, check out this gem:

        Gamefaqs motto should be:

        ‘We don’t have a F***ing clue what irony is, but it sounds homeopathic*’

        *This might not be the word we were looking for but it is long so it makes us sound intelligent