I watch bad videogame films so that you don’t have to (Pt. 1)

I couldn't find a place for this picture later, so I figured I would stick it here.

Welcome to episode 1 of ‘I watch bad video game films so that you don’t have to’. The plan is basically for me to spoil four already-spoiled films tied in to the resurgence in popularity of the fighting game genre.

This week: Tekken.

I love me a bit of Tekken; all those bad stories rolled into one, with the added delight of panda bears and dragons ripped from anime series.

The recent film is having none of that; shit got serious. Its story goes that the whole world has collapsed and is run by a group of corporations called ‘The Iron Fist’, which is funny because if I was going to try and run the world I would want to call my conglomerate something innocuous like ‘Barry’. The most powerful company runs what was America (obviously, because the USA is where every company would go to find an easily exploitable workforce) and is called Tekken.

If that isn’t the most awesome plot line ever then I don’t know what a good one is.

The opening runs through this really sweet parkour scene following the hero, Jin Kazama. Well, it would be a totally sweet parkour scene if the cinematographer and stunt co-ordinator had known the difference between their arses and their elbows. Instead it is a bunch of shakycam bullshit.

Seriously, this was the best screenshot I could get.

Jin is a loner. He works with the resistance but he won’t join them, and instead he gets involved in flashbacks about how his mum taught him to fight. That and he hooks up with a blonde chick who likes a lot of chocolate on her biscuit, if you know what I mean.

No, really, she likes chocolate. Get your mind out of the gutter.

In the future chocolate is like a truffle, only tasty.

Chocolate and Jin penis.

Anyway, Shang Tsung from Mortal Kombat is like the head honcho of everything and he’s really excited about holding the Iron Fist tournament at the Tekken corporation. Not sure why; I phased out for that part because I was completely blown away by his mental haircut and eyebrows.

Your Soul is MINE

Back to the story: while Jin was busting a nut in blondey, Hispanic Ben Affleck gets all pissy and decides to blow Jin’s mother up. Something to do with Jin supplying a 200 GHz thingamajig to the resistance. “Who is Hispanic Ben Affleck?” you ask: to be honest that didn’t become clear to me until much later. All I knew is that he was not happy about Jin and Jin’s dalliances.

Once it has been seen it cannot be unseen.

It does not go well for Jin’s mum who is blown up while being suppressed by two Tekken soldiers. Jin gets really emotional and decides that even though his mum has been like “don’t you be messin’ with the Tekken”, he is going to fight in the Iron Fist tournament as a means to kill Shang Tsung whom he holds responsible for his mother’s nuking.

He goes for the chance to become the people’s choice, and meets up with one of the ex-members of Bros. Bros’ character’s name is Steve Rodgers, but for the sake of this narrative he is Bros.

Jin has to fight a guy called Marshall Law. Everyone is like ‘who is this guy?’ about Jin; even Bros doesn’t believe that he has it in him to defeat Marshall Law.

True Story: when I was about 8 I had a Bros T-Shirt. I had no idea who they were.Â

Of course Jin busts out some sick moves and wins.

There is a lot of waffle about all these tournament fighters and how awesome they are; they even have a montage of fighting styles.

This guy is a real cage fighter but can't act – imagine how long he lasts?

Shang Tsung appears to get a stiffy:

Jin then meets a new woman with a ridiculous costume. Next some Capoeira happens, because every fighting film needs Capoeira in it now (alright, alright, Tekken had a Capoeira fighter in it before that shit was popular).

Jin goes to a night club, ignoring the fact that he is in the middle of a major fighting tournament, not to mention that he’s supposedly getting revenge for his mother’s encounter with a missile and he already has a girlfriend.

Yes, he looks like a twat in motion too.

So, having already forgotten blondey, Jin tries to hook up with the aforementioned fighter woman. However some crazy assassin chicks start trying to kill him instead.

This looks as awesome as you think it is.Â

I know what you’re thinking – I wasn’t expecting so many plot twists myself.

Jin is generally fine, despite Bros and the new squeeze being a bit peeved. Some fighting happens.

Hispanic Ben Affleck swears revenge (for it is he that sent the assassins). He then takes over Tekken and tells Shang Tsung to go fuck himself.

Soon everything gets out of hand. Turns out that the notorious HBA is actually Jin’s dad and that Shang Tsung wasn’t responsible for Jin’s mum’s incineration; in fact when HBA raped Jin’s mum (I know, fucked up) Shang Tsung saved her… by dumping her in the slums where she eventually sucked on an explosive. Bros knows all about this too, but never made the connection that two people with the same fighting style who also share the surname Kazama are related. Everyone escapes to the slums and has a heart-warming moment.

That doesn’t last long as HBA and his troops break up the party, which doesn’t go well for Bros or Shang Tsung as the Latin Ben decides he is going to fuck them all up. He doesn’t explain why he keeps Jin or the lady fighter alive, but he does make Jin fight again.

He is all hurt and shit.Â

He gets to fight my personal favourite from the series: bullet-belt wearing Bryan Fury. Obviously it is to the death after Fury kills some Russian dude. I may have forgotten to mention that previously.

I could leave you in suspense about the result of the fight between Jin and Bryan.

But I won’t.

Hispanic Ben Affleck decides to go kill his son on live television but the fighter lady is all “no, you can’t!” This confused me as I would reckon that with HBA now in charge of the biggest corporation in the world, he could do whatever he damned well pleased.

Anyway, HBA and Jin duke it out. It all seems a little unfair as Spanish Affleck has two axes. Fortunately this is the films so Jin, despite being completely screwed up, slashes up Ben and, instead of killing him, just walks off.

I’m not sure where they wrote these rules but according to Tekken, if you do that it makes you the boss. Jin looks all moody, on a path for justice or something.

Everyone cheers.

Blondey seems surprisingly happy (or high), which I guess is because she doesn’t know that Jin has been cheating on her yet.

The End

Most fucked up thing about this write-up? I wrote it whilst watching Martyrs; man that movie does not know when to quit in terms of gruesome depression.

Before I forget to mention it: Yoshimitsu gets cheap shotted about half way through this film.Â






16 responses to “I watch bad videogame films so that you don’t have to (Pt. 1)”

  1. guillaumeodinduval Avatar

    I have to say the process you're getting yourself through to save us those atrocious movies has the opposite effect on me; now I REALLY have to see Tekken!

    I think not much for the entertainment value of the movie itself, but for the entertaining process of ''connecting the dots'' with this review as I'd watch it.

    1. badgercommander Avatar

      Yeah, a couple of people said that. I am a bit worried as that was not my intent.

      Next week I am doing Dead or Alive.

  2. BeamSplashX Avatar

    All I wanted for the Tekken movie was for everyone to speak their own language and still fully understand everything the others were saying.

    "Bruce desu ka?!"
    "Yeah, that's right."

    1. badgercommander Avatar

      They spoke in English the whole time but I will be damned if I knew what was going on half the time.

  3. GordoP Avatar

    I'm angry about Bryan!

    1. badgercommander Avatar

      What, that he is in the film or that he gets his neck snapped like a stick of cellery, then inexpicably bleeds from that internal injury?

      1. GordoP Avatar

        The celery bit!

        He was my favorite character of the games!

  4. @alixsquish Avatar

    The majority of the plot loosely matched the game plot spanning Tekken 2 & 3 relating to the Mishima empire (or whatever the hell it was called). I confess I got a little pleasure out of seeing it butchered so spectacularly. They did take random characters from throughout the franchise and throw them in for good measure though, which was rather confusing.____I can't quite believe this review makes no mention of Christie Montana's butt cleavage. There is nothing, NOTHING classier than clothing designed to emphasize butt cleavage. I believe it deserves mention.

    1. BeamSplashX Avatar

      Is that a mistake, or are you saying Christie Montiero is like Hannah Montana in the movie?

      1. @alixsquish Avatar

        That was a confusion. One which could potentially lead to an amazing spin off.

        1. badgercommander Avatar

          Apologies for no mention of butt cleavage, I had a screenshot but it was a bit blurry and out of context, desperately tried to work in that part but it was not to be.

          I promise much more butt commentary next week.

          EDIT: Also, I did see some parallel with the 2 and 3 and even 4. I am amused with the thought that some one looked at the story and went 'What is all this crazy demon shit? Fuck it, set it on a post-apocalyptic world that is way more street cred'

          The tekken series' storyline is retarded and yet there are many fans who hold it as a stand-out in contrast to the other, better fighting games. I'd stand out if I had a giant, blue, plastic penis on my head; that wouldn't necessarily be a good thing.

  5. BeamSplashX Avatar

    I think video game movies might set themselves free once they decide to drop the idea that cameos by every character possible are needed.

    Unless it's Kuma. A fight against a bear would improve this movie considerably.

  6. […] after the awesomeness that was Tekken last week I decided to go through another potential visual treat: DOA: Dead Or Alive (so good they […]

  7. […] went through Tekken two weeks ago so that you could avoid its shittyness. Then I indulged in DOA: Dead or Alive and […]

  8. Aozame32 Avatar

    The worst part was a badass like Yoshimitsu a)working as Kazuya's lackey and b)dying from a punch to the face (mask).

    Amusing review, BTW.

    1. badgercommander Avatar

      Thank you sir. The way in which Yohimitsu gets punked is utterly distressing.