Review: L.A. Noire

Once upon a time, there was a vast and powerful kingdom, and at the heart of that kingdom was a grand golden city, where all the richest and most beautiful people lived. Of all the people in the city, the bravest and most righteous was a soldier called David, who worked as a city guard, protecting all of the cityfolk from the poor or disadvantaged.

One day, some greasy horrible bandits came to the city to steal gold from the King. “I’ll stop them,” said David, “because it’s the right thing to do and I am honourable yet interestingly flawed.” So David mounted his horse, and galloped around the city for many hours to get to where the bandits were camped out. ‘There is precious little happening in this so-called city,’ thought David as he travelled its barren wastes. ‘I had been led to believe that the city would have a character of its own.’ But he dismissed these thoughts, because the promise of adventure was an exciting one.

After his long and uneventful journey, David arrived at the bandit’s camp. What do you want David to do?

• Establish whether the bandits are truly guilty of attempting to steal gold
• Attack the bandits
• Engage the bandits in discussion to reach a peaceful conclusion

Once you have made your decision, read the next paragraph.

Although he was a soldier and a city guard, David was not a man of violence. He was a man of intellect and reasoning, who used his mind to solve problems, so David attacked the bandits, slaughtering each one clumsily with his sword. He found it very hard to choose which bandit to attack, even when he aimed specifically at one of them, his instincts automatically targeted another, meaning that he mostly just slashed at the air between them until one of them wandered into his blade . “I say we bust in there and find the god-damned evidence!” cried the other city guards, numerous times a minute, irrespective of circumstance or relevance, all in the same voice.

Finally, all the bandits were dead and David was very tired, because he had spent most of his evening slashing his sword at the air until each of them had run into it. Even though all the bandits were dead, one of them was still alive and David asked one of the less attractive and well-paid city guards to escort the swine back to the castle. “I say we bust in there and find the god-damned evidence!” said the lowly city guard and took the bandit away on his wagon.

David looked around the bandit camp for clues.

Can you help David find all of the clues in this picture? If not, try again. If you still haven’t found them all, a nondescript city guard finds the other ones.

Even though David had nothing else to do except interview the bandit, he didn’t think to catch a ride back to the castle on the wagon that was going there anyway, so he had to ride his own horse all the way back, which put him in quite a bad mood. On his way to the castle, he encountered a crime taking place on the streets. ‘At last,’ thought David, ‘some excitement!’ There was a burglar running away from a street vendor, and David stabbed him without even trying, and then stood completely still staring gormlessly at nothing for a long time, and then the excitement was over. ‘Well, that was shit,’ thought David.

When David arrived at the castle, he was given the choice of interrogating the bandit, or doing literally nothing for the rest of his life. “I will interrogate the bandit,” said David decisively.

As David sat down in the interview chamber, the bandit suddenly started acting very nervously, his eyes swinging wildly from side to side, and lots of sweat appeared on his spasmodic, gurning face. It reminded David of the mime acts who exaggerate their performances to convey meaning to the audience at the back of the city’s large auditoriums.

“Tell me about stealing all the gold,” barked David suddenly.

“I’ve never stolen any gold,” said the bandit, and leaned back smugly, although his eyes still danced chaotically, defying human biology.

David suddenly went mad, and slammed his hands down on the table. Leaning forwards towards the confused bandit, he screamed “You’ve been doing something weird to do with horses, and I’ve got the clues to prove it!”

The bandit scoffed. “I’ve never even heard of horses, and you haven’t got a clue to prove otherwise.”

David looked through his evidence. “Actually,” he said reluctantly, “I haven’t got any clues that prove you’ve heard of horses. But in fairness to me, that isn’t what I accused you of, and I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything other than gold theft in the first place. Could I interest you in a clue that proves you’ve been stealing gold, and if that fails, take a punt on this horse thing?”

The bandit shook his head sadly. “Sorry, no.” He said. “You’ve failed to convince me that I’m guilty of this crime.”

David was furious. “Fine,” he grumbled. “Just go. But I will keep looking for clues, and if I find something I think I can convince you of your guilt with, I’ll come back.”

The bandit shook his head again. “No, that doesn’t work for me,” he said authoritatively. “You can only interview people once, that’s the rule.”

Dejected, David left the interview chamber. Can you help David decide what to do next?

• Find and interview a horse
• Go the bandit’s house and look for clues

Once you have made your decision, read the next paragraph.

David decided to chase the bandit as he left the castle, and wrestled him to the ground. He arrested him again, and this time he just convicted him of the crime without the need for evidence or clues and the whole thing ended very quickly with no sense of conclusion.

David’s first adventure was over.

It was narratively unsatisfying, pointless, entirely nonsensical, and left many questions unanswered. Yet, still, David was keen to get out and experience more of this strangely empty world. He would have many other adventures yet, each of them more pointless than the last. Over time, the flawed rigid structure that each adventure takes would conflict with the story that fate was trying to tell – yet neither would win out, instead everything would just spin on its wheels and eventually collapse in on itself. It would be degrading and depressing, but David would do it all anyway. Sometimes twice, sometimes three times.

He would dedicate days of his life to collecting meaningless junk for no reason. He would worry his friends and family by insisting that he ride one of each type of horse in the city, if only for a moment. He would arrest many innocent civilians, live through some of the most absurd twists and turns ever conceived, and though he could never forget what a waste of potential his lifestory had become, he would enjoy every dull, dragging second of it, and by the time it groaned into its final moments with what little momentum it had left, he would not have a single regret.

THE END