Breaking news: Ellen Page Simulator 2014 cancelled

Beyond Two Souls

On Friday the 14th of February actress Ellen Page issued a statement coming out as gay, explaining her desire to no longer lie by omission.

Her statement has largely been met with praise and support from all sides. However, it has sparked some ire amongst the male gaming community to the point that Ellen Page Simulator 2014 (sequel to the breakout hit Ellen Page Simulator 2013 aka. Beyond Two Souls) has now been cancelled. Game Director David Cage received an unprecedented online petition with over five hundred thousand signatures demanding that Ellen Page Simulator 2014 not be released. The crux of the petition was that the homosexuality of the game’s lead actress constituted a major infringement on the potential audience’s rights.

At the time of publishing David Cage was not available for comment. Instead Arcadian Rhythms approached one of the petition’s signatories in an effort to understand more about the controversial petition and resulting decision.

Tiago Pequeno, one of the first people to put their signature on the document, responded with the following brief statement:

“This was about Ellen Page being gay?! I thought I was signing a petition to ask David Cage to stop making games, as in, ever again. I want no part in any potential hate-speech.”

Following this bombshell we contacted the two men behind the web site and the originators of the online petition that has brought Quantic Dreams’ latest project to a halt. They are Dillon Harhands and Bjorn Braun. We managed to secure a conference call with them.

DH – Frankly, this is a deep insult to the gaming community. We bought Ellen Page Simulator 2013 on good faith that Ellen Page was straight.

AR – You mean Jodie [the character Ellen Page plays in Beyond Two Souls]?

DH – What? No, I mean Ellen Page.

BB – Let me explain. This is a betrayal of the gaming community. It is comparable to Capcom releasing Devil May Cry 4 on multiple platforms or when the guys behind Mighty Number 9 hired a female Community Manager who didn’t know anything about mega man. [pauses] We bought Ellen Page Simulator 2013 with the understanding that Ellen Page was straight. She goes on dates and has relationships, heterosexual ones, in the game. It is unsurprising that so many of us feel strongly against this betrayal of our trust.

DH – Exactly. It is like she is faking it in the game, which is not what I spent good money on.

AR – Almost as if she was playing a role, acting even?

DH – You could say that. I prefer to look at it as lying.

BB – Another way to look at it is if you were to watch straight porn and the guy had a boner but he was actually gay, that would put you off right away.

DH – Wait Bjorn. What?

Soon after we were disconnected from the conference call and took to the street to ask everyday people what they thought of Ellen Page’s revelation. Our random sample of one person gave us the following response:

“Is she the one with the sex tape?”

After giving up on hard-hitting investigative video games journalism as a bad joke, we abandoned the street. However, later that day we did receive more responses from a couple of other people involved in the petition which saw EPS 2014 cancelled. Mathias Teramus offered the following riveting testimonial:

“I would put this up there with my highest levels of disappointment. If I was going to rank it I would say it is worse than the time I found out that the lead singer from Placebo was a man, on about the same level as when they brought Starbuck back in Battlestar Galactica, but not as bad as the time I found out that both Tegan AND Sara were lesbians. It was a sad day for nerds everywhere, that is for sure.”

When we pushed him on why this made any real difference to him at all he relented with:

“Look, if I am going to get into anything in my games then either I want to be the person or I want to feel validated in my desire to fuck them. How am I supposed to get my jollies thinking about Ellen Page in EPS 2014 if she was with a girl? Err… actually, now that I think about it-“

This time, we disconnected.

Frankly, after all these bizarre misfires of discomfiting entitlement we had no desire to continue plumbing the depths of the shallow end of the gene pool. We trust our readers will make their own minds up. Instead we will leave you with Bjorn Braun’s final statement from the interview, taken completely out of context immediately before we were cut off.

BB – A really big hard dick, utterly pointless to our satisfaction.






5 responses to “Breaking news: Ellen Page Simulator 2014 cancelled”

  1. bigbald Avatar

    Oh my god, I can't stop laughing…

    I'm not sure what's the bigger benefit: The sheer humour, or knowing that Beyond Two Souls isn't quite the gameplay masterpiece.

    1. badgercommander Avatar

      Hey Man!

      Glad you liked the piece, I put it together while drunk and I wasn't sure if it was actually funny or not.

      Thanks for reading!

  2. […] “Breaking news: Ellen Page Simulator 2014 cancelled” – AJ […]

  3. @SeekNoise Avatar

    Was there really going to be another Beyond Two Souls game? I didn't think it'd be popular enough with anyone except me to warrant a sequel, but that's great news (aside from it being cancelled)!

    To be honest, I'm not that big a fan of gay stuff, but I really like it when two straight women or men get it on together in a video game, movie or real life etc. I've also been passionately involved with loads of straight men before. I'm just not really into the idea of another Ellen Page shower simulator with one or more women added to the shower(s). I know that'd mean more graphics, which is always good, but there needs to be more to cinematic adventure games on the next gen platforms than gay shower scenes…

    1. friendlygun Avatar

      I think Dylan likes B:TS as well, so clearly the next podcast requires both of you.