I watch bad video-game films so that you don’t have to (Pt. 4)

Street Fighter film explosion

I am coming to an end of my four part extravaganza and I thought I would end it on a low note: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.

I grew up playing Street Fighter games. In the franchise, Chun-Li was the first true female game icon. She was the first character that stood toe-to-toe with the male players in the arena, Chun-Li was both feminine and tough without neglecting either facet.

So it was a bit of a shame that Capcom sponsored this whiney-douche version of Chun-Li’s story, which makes her out to be a wet flannel with the personality of a dead moth. I walked away from this film in disgust. Raul Julia didn’t die, face down in the mud, for this bullshit.

The film starts with a flashback, a bad way to start any film. Worse still, it portrays Chun-Li as a spoilt little rich kid. The opening monologue by Lana Lang from Smallville (Kristin Kreuk) goes on and on about how parents always imagine something different for their children and how, for example, her father imagined that she would be a concert pianist.

Young Chun-Li the piano prodigy

Goddamn flashbacks

[Before I get any further into the story, I’m going to point out that the director and script writer clearly didn’t bother to watch the scene after the opening credits to see that she actually becomes a concert pianist, thus making the moody voice-over during the opening of the film totally pointless.]

The voice-over monologue continues for a bit and Chun-Li is shown bonding with her father while she learns whatever martial art he does. The only problem with this idyllic and touching father-daughter relationship is that her father seems to spend his free time walking with the wrong crowd, and so the guy from the Green Mile shows up at his house to beat him up.

Chun-Li's dad tries to beat off the guy from Green Mile

Well, something is getting a beating...

Of course, young Chun-Li bears witness to this and sees her father die at the hands of the main villain, M. Bison.

Except her dad doesn’t actually get killed; he gets dragged off to what is, initially, an unknown location.

Chun-Li grows up to become Lana Lang from Smallville and the story starts to get even worse. Imagine a film like Smallville the TV series, but focusing exclusively on the least talented actress playing the part of the least interesting character in the show. That film is Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li from this point onwards.

Older Chun-Li finishes her piano recital and leaves the house to travel somewhere on a train. As she’s doing so, she sees a guy getting beaten to the ground and rushes to his side only to hold up his hand and stare unhelpfully for a few seconds at the tattoo on it before turning to cry out at the crowds of people looking on with indifference. This whole scene is supposed to show that Lana/Chun-Li has a bleeding heart of kindness, but instead it just serves to point out how much of an arsehole she is.

Lana tries to help a man by shouting a lot

Did I mention that this actor's face reminds me of one of those little pug dogs certain types of women like to keep in their handbags?

Sure, her pleading cries of ‘Is anyone going to help this man?’ may be an attempt to make some sort of point about society being apathetic and uncaring, but she turns out to be just as bad as everyone else, and this scene only serves to make the next 20 minutes of the story pointless (I’ll explain why later).

Anyway, as the plot advances, Lana’s mother dies and she gets all emotional about it in this made-for-TV way that has me convinced that even I could’ve pulled off a better performance as a half-Asian girl in her early twenties whose mother has just died. Oh yeah, there’s some kind of plot point after this that no one will care about: this scroll gets sent to Lana and she decides that she has to go to Bangkok in search of a man called Gen. It is a truly warming moment watching her say goodbye to all the hired help…

Hired help

By this point I was as miserable as the guy second from the right looks

And even though the sun was shining in clear blue skies just moments before and there was no urgency for Lana to leave, the director (or the director’s partner) thought it would be a great touch to have her walk off in the middle of a sudden, very unlikely downpour. I’m pretty sure this was meant as some sort of metaphor, but it just comes off as shitty film-making.

After this, there’s a montage of sorts in Bangkok where Lana looks immaculate in every scene, apart from some conveniently placed dirt stains. Her voice spews forth another monologue about how she is living rough, looking for this guy called Gen, and how the Thai are all totally awesome people and shit. She and the casting director come off as massively condescending, to the point of being borderline racists, as every Thai person they show is ugly, destitute or an ‘Uncle Tom’ stereotype that would get them fired if they happened to be of any other nationality.

Chun-Li in the rain

Aww, look, she's all moody

For a while, the film switches over to show M. Bison getting a member of the Black Eyed Peas to assassinate a bunch of criminals. The view then switches to the guy from American Pie (the singing jock who was in Election and who can’t act) showing up on a motorcycle and being all Mr. Sassy Pants, while simultaneously failing completely at acting.

Turns out that he’s been searching for M. Bison for ages (“Across 11 cities and 3 continents”) but has never managed to even get close. As he explains this, he turns away from the woman he’s speaking to in the shot and looks straight at the camera. This spectacular example of acting ability seems loosely based on a device normally used in films to allow the viewer to see everyone’s face during a group conversation, except the trick is that the actor turns and looks towards the camera, not directly at it. Watching the talentless cast of actors attempt to do this in Street Fighter: TLOCL is just painful.

Talentless actor Charlie Nash at his best

You know you're fucked when an actor named 'Moon Bloodgood' is unconvinced by your performance

I can’t remember exactly how (I was drinking heavily at the time) but Lana gets into a fight with a bunch of dudes, providing her with the perfect opportunity to bust out some bad Hollywood-style Kung Fu moves to kick their arses and then, like the useless wank stain that she is, immediately pass out after winning the fight.

She wakes up to find that the person called ‘Gen’ she was looking for is actually Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat. It’s at this point in the film that Lana is finally revealed to be a massive bitch.

Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat as 'Gen'

For Real

You see, Liu Kang was the guy who got beaten up in the train station at the beginning of the film, and he makes a point of proving this by repeatedly waving his distinctly tattooed hand in front of Lana’s face throughout this scene. We’re supposed to conclude that Lana was the only person who cared enough to help him back then but, instead, it just proves how selfish and uncaring she really is. After she wailed and cried out ‘Is anyone going to help this man?’ at the train station, only to apparently be ignored by everyone as the scene faded out, she presumably must’ve gone on to decide ‘I guess not. Fuck this guy. I have a manicure to go to.’ If she’d bothered to stick around after he was assaulted and check on him, she might not have been so surprised when he appeared later on. More importantly, the audience would’ve been saved 20 minutes of useless plot.

Apparently, the director and scriptwriter couldn’t be bothered making the next scene coherent with the rest of the film, either.  American Pie guy wasn’t able to convince anyone that M. Bison was even a real person earlier in the film, let alone that he was currently in Bangkok. Lana, on the other hand – despite living rough and supposedly having no money (because, apparently, getting rid of your hired help and expensive house means you have less money) – simply trots along to her local internet café, looks ‘M. Bison’ up on the interweb and – BAM!

Lana, confused by the pug dog references to her everywhere on the net

I really hate those little pug dogs; they're utterly pointless as a breed of dog

It’s a shame that Interpol don’t seem to have a computer, because it would’ve made it so much easier for them to track down and arrest an international mastermind like M. Bison.

Anyway, things got a little irrelevant and hazy at this point, but I perked up for a few seconds when Lana went to a night club to dance with an Asian lesbian. Unfortunately, the ensuing seduction scene is about as arousing as having your genitals doused in lighter fluid and then getting someone to come along and light a match near the aforementioned privates. Lana looks like an anorexic preying mantis, and the token fan-service of her hair being styled in the same fashion as Chun Li’s twin buns just accentuates how horrifically thin she is.

Street Fighter lesbian dance

It literally seems as if her neck might give way at any point

There’s another predictable fight scene that makes little sense. Lana runs through the night club and obligingly provides another fan-service moment by performing the equivalent of the <em>spinning bird kick</em>, the only problem with this being that – even if you don’t freeze frame the shot – it’s easy to see that no part of her body makes contact with any of the bad guys around her.

Lana\'s totally ineffective Spinning Bird Kick

The stunt men are so confused by this attack that they can't even synchronise falling in the same direction

Everything sort of merges together at this point. The guy from The Green Mile shows up at some pivotal point when Lana and Liu Kang are bonding. Lana leaves and The Green Mile dude sends a few henchmen to attack Liu Kang. Liu Kang obviously kicks their arses and so The Green Mile fires a rocket at him, causing a big explosion which reduces Liu Kang’s house to flames and rubble.

Lana starts crying, despite the fact that there is no evidence that Liu Kang is actually dead.

The next day, she travels to a harbor to beat the shit out of some random contractor who hasn’t raised even a finger against her and gets him to tell her where some sort of shipment was taking place. This was possibly important, but I failed to see how or why.

After that, she gets betrayed and M. Bison beats her up a bit. She’s finally reunited with her father who subsequently gets killed by The Green Mile guy, who mentions the fact that she beat up Vega earlier (which I didn’t bother covering, because the scene in which she fights the Black Eyed Pea known as Vega is so inconsequential that I’d completely forgotten about it until now).

Vega from the Black Eyed Peas

As consolation, here

For some reason, The Green Mile guy doesn’t kill Lana, opting instead to leave a couple of lackeys with instructions to kill her while he escapes.

After Lana finishes beating up the lackeys, she teams up with American Pie guy in an unfair attempt to try and take M. Bison down. Oh yeah, and it’s revealed that Liu Kang didn’t die (big fucking surprise). Lana cruelly returns to the harbor and beats up the defenseless contractor who betrayed her earlier, leaving American Pie guy to tie him up before they both get ready to attack M. Bison at the docks.

M. Bison sees the attack coming and ambushes them instead, then escapes in a helicopter, having rescued his daughter from the docks. Apparently, he wasn’t there to get any weapons or drugs or anything like that. No, he was just rescuing his kid from a gang of kidnappers.

All the ‘heroes’ give chase, a lot of things that make no sense happen, and the film climaxes with Liu Kang getting his arse kicked by M. Bison. Afterwards, Lana shows up and pummels M. Bison with some inexplicable, newly acquired super powers, and mercilessly kills him right in front of his young daughter.

Chun-Li VS M. Bison

Two words: Pug Dog

Now, it’s important to note here that M. Bison’s daughter doesn’t speak English, nor does she have any idea what’s going on and why people are fighting. All she sees is some evil-looking bitch smoke her father; the very same father who’s providing for her and giving her an experience outside of Russian oil tankers, and who apparently put a lot of time and effort into his ‘evil’ plan to rescue his kidnapped daughter from a gang of criminals.

Lana ignores all of that, turns round to American Pie guy and says:

‘Make sure she has a better life’.

I mean, what? Better how, exactly? Better than Lana’s spoilt, rich-twat life where she got to fulfill all her dreams by ruining the lives of everyone else?

The End.